Death lurked in every hallway, with hell sitting at a dark door. Approached at the end of a long matted rug, there was a musty odor that reeked through the divided floorboards. The door stood behind seven different locks paired with variations of keys and codes. You could feel anger and emotion that was compelled into engraving the whitewashed door, leaving letters that spelled out “The world is not safe anymore”. The key clicked in the lock as Jane opened the door to her home, heading straight the bathroom as she regurgitated her lunch over into the toilet bowl. Following was her boyfriend, Harry with a cold face towel and a bottle of water he was holding her head making sure she was ok. It was that moment where Jane’s stomach turned for the better. Between taking time to catch her breath and flush away her vomit she knew that no matter how climatic the symbols of hate and danger are represented outside her door she was safe, it was Harry that kept her safe. Jane removed herself from the bathroom and allocated herself to the couch where harry prepared a cup of peppermint tea and a hot water bottle. He sat openly on the red couch, motionless. His skin was beautifully patchworked with earthy browns, yellows, and greens merging together seamlessly to form this perfect shade of peach. Jane found herself falling into his eyes, witnessing them bleed a deep blue surrounded with lashes that displayed great love. She suddenly felt better requesting to go for a walk, without a doubt Harry collects her coat and insists to walk June to get ice cream.

After stepping a foot out the door the humidity changes directly from warm feet meeting the cozy carpet with a loving foreboding breeze chased by butterflies to a cold dark concrete floor dusted with heavy emotions coated in danger and grease. There layed a single street, only one option and that was to go straight. The street, that was surrounded by tall buildings, stood bare with a cold breeze able to reach every corner. Before us stood individuals empty inside, fueled by the power of social media. Eyes glued to screens moments away from throwing themself under an halusination. Cold hands roamed, No longer able to be warmed by the soft companion of another. The streets radiated an overwhelming pulsating noise of weeping and yelling from appartment windows, splintering the ears like shattered glass pushed under fingernails. June and Harry felt out of place half of the time they didnt know what others where talking about, their jokes seem to relate to a past that everyone but the two has shared. They have become foreigner’s in their own town and they couldn’t understand the language. There were girls in baggy jumpers, red coats to try find the refresh button with slogans on clothing to carve out personalities. Girls would walk past in tears. Unsure how happiness has expired, hate looked like everybody else until it smiled but even the word smile was abnormal.

Jane had only just realized what her future had become, technology had now surpassed our human interaction and we are now left with a generation of emotionless idiots. The color in peoples eyes that used to scream out our individuality was replaced with black, a black that was unable to connect with the real world. Harry suddenly has the urge to tell Jane how he really feels before it is drained and replaced by society’s new love. ” When your eyes are locked on mine, it’s like I can see galaxies instead of just pupils.” harry disclamed to Jane “When he looked at me it was as if every ounce of breath was taken from my lungs floating into the air like midnight smoke. Every time he kissed me it felt like the world stopped, leaving just the two of us to wander the earth together. Every time he held my face between his hands it felt like he was untying all of my knots. Holding me for eternity in the arms I’ve grown so addicted to. This is what falling in love was like, a story I never wanted to end.” Jane said this to herself knowing she didn’t have to use her voice cause harry could feel her and it was a thousand times stronger.

With no direction of time, they could tell it was getting late because they could see girls leaving their dates apartments with matted hair, ripped shirts, scratches but at least they looked happy. Happieness was represented through the tears rolling down their cheecks, when June asked if they were okay they couldnt reply struggling to get anything out with tears replacing words that their heart cannot say. Suddenly there where girls everywhere, taking over the world like a bodied army ready to go to war. The Nocternals were standing strong under the dawning lights with most fluanting their underboob seccured with a tight mesh croppped tops, some with lace body suits and oversize leather jackets just to keep it classy with others wearing booty shorts so tight their legs were starting to go purple not from the cold but lack of circulation in their legs.

Join the conversation! 2 Comments

  1. Hi Meg,

    This is vivid, and you’re on the right track. We’ve discussed your piece to date and agreed on the action plan from here. Please tell me when you’ve completed the first draft so I can come in with some detailed feedback before you go to the re-drafting stage.

    CW

    Reply
  2. This is working well as a ‘limited third person’ piece. There are some clear distinctive elements that reflect the “Dystopian” genre – and there’s a sense of the immediate moment being established – however, you’ve moved into ‘narrative’ very quickly, while over-looking or rushing the establishment of setting – This is ‘telling’ rather than ‘showing’: “Jane had only just realized what her future had become, technology had now surpassed our human interaction and we are now left with a generation of emotionless idiots”.

    Rather than writing on, write back into what you have, adding these layers of description.

    Work on:

    Diction. Your word choice is sometimes quite straight-forward, and at times even borders on cliche, “stared like laser-beams”. Remember the opportunity you have to develop rich nominal phrases to create atmosphere.

    Syntax. You are developing a greater array of sentence structures, and using these for more deliberate effect. Remember our work in relation to fronted prepositions, and consider using more of these, as well as shorter sentences for the development of a sense of ‘place’.

    Sensory Appeal. Ensure you take time to engage your reader’s senses. You are doing this in relation to the place to some extent, describing the atmosphere – however this is inconsistent, and you also lapse often into ‘telling’ – this needs to be worked out by the reader rather than explained to them. The purpose of this kind of establishment of setting is to infer more. Remember Winston’s varicose ulcer, the ‘swirl of gritty dust’, and the smell of boiled cabbage?

    Remember to refer back to the task outline and the grammar of dystopia lesson series to inform these choices.

    CW

    Reply

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“Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.” (Katherine Mansfield)

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